I am going to write the answer to a recent e-mail question here as the reply might have a general interest (at least amongst some of my readers). Basically the question was "when and how I realised I had exhibitionist tendencies".
Even back in my teenage days I was well aware of the reaction that my looks and body had on guys. Probably more that my girlfriends who was just laughing embarrassed when the guys looked at them. I on the other hand didn't laugh, I just enjoyed the looks.
I remember a school trip to Holland at about the age of 15 or 16, when the boys wanted to play strip poker. We were all drunk and the group was one of good friends, some of whom had been going out with each other for a while, so most of us accepted the challenge. However, as we got to the point of loosing crucial parts of clothing some dropped out, but a number of us kept going.
At one point we were down to only three guys and two girls still in the game while the others watched. When the second guy lost the last peace of clothing the spectators applauded and whistled. I was getting aroused, and even though I was only down to panties and t-shirt with no bra, I was worried that my wet crotch would be obvious. When the other girl lost her bra, that was the first time the group actually got to see a pair of naked breasts. She was terribly embarrassed and tried to cover herself as much as possible. I had already decided that when it became my turn I wasn't going to do that, but would just try to act naturally. However, when I in the next two rounds lost both the t-shirt and then the panties, both the guys grew huge erections. I found it difficult to keep the detached attitude I had planned. The atmosphere was totally changed. Electrified, the spectators breathless. No more catcalls. I think everybody thought maybe we had gone too far. I however, was just so aroused from the way the two guys so obviously had become excited when I dropped my clothes, and not a little proud that it had happened when I exposed my breasts and not when the other girl did.
One of guys felt shy and tried to hide his erection while the other one just kept looking at me. He was obviously aware that I was as excited as he was, even though it didn't show as prominently. But I just couldn't help positioning myself in a way where he could look at my glistering wet pussy while I tried to keep from staring too obviously at his blue throbbing penis head oozing with moisture. When the other girl lost her panties she dropped them in a rush and ran out of the room with an embarrassed girlish scream. We all woke from the trance, got our clothes on and tried to behave as if nothing had happened. But I was really very much aware how excited I had become from the looks of the other two guys, not to mention the rest of the group which had been looking at us, silently observing the display.
All that happened in my teenage days. Everything was wild then, and I didn't actually click on to the fact that I might be any different than other girls. I knew some were more shy that I was, but I just thought that was natural. But I couldn't help reliving the scene in my head. The thought that they had all seen me totally naked was both embarrassing the exciting. I had been with several guys already, and I had enjoyed the way they looked at me when we were making love, but I hadn't expected that it would get me so excited thinking about innocent bystanders seeing me naked.
That is a dilemma that has haunted me all my life. When I am excited I love exposing myself, but afterwards I keep wondering what goes through the head of people having seen me. Are they imagining my tits being naked again when they are talking to me? I have discussed that with a friend of ours who has been in several porn movies. She says it doesn't bother her at all. It is like two different worlds which are perfectly separated. That is also what my husband Poul says about her. Even though he has not only seen her naked but also in very intimate situations blown up on the screen, he says that picture doesn't appear in his mind when he is talking to her. I guess it is a bit like meeting your ex at a dinner party some year later. You can have a perfectly normal conversation without thinking about all the times you have had sex.
I guess the time I really understood my feelings as an exhibitionist came at a time when a group of people at my dad's office where I worked had an opportunity to see pictures of me naked. It was totally unintentional, believe it or not. I had had a six month fling with a guy from my dad's office and in his summerhouse on the Spanish island of Mallorca he had taken a series of pictures of me getting more and more undressed and finally adopting several very exposing postures by the pool. The pictures were the last ten or so of a film showing my boyfriend racing his boat. One of the other crew members, who also worked in the office, had wanted to see the pictures of the race. I had removed the ones of me from the pile, but hadn't thought of the negatives. The guy wanting a copy of the pictures had taken the film to be developed and not knowing anything differently had had the whole film developed
One day when I entered the cafeteria at the office I saw a number of the guys looking up at me, laughing and making lewd comments. As I approached I saw all the pictures of me laid out on the table, some even blown up to A4 size. I stopped dead in my tracks, everybody looking at me mentally projecting the images of my naked body onto the image of me standing frozen to the spot trying to figure out what to do next. I decided against making a scene, or trying to collect the pictures. The damage had already been done, and now it was a question of saving face. I just looked at them as if they were naughty small boys, shook my head and turned around leaving as gracefully as I could.
But in the hall the reality hit me. All these guys had now seen me naked, and they would be remembering those pictures every time they saw me. But what surprised me the most was my own feelings. I was just so aroused! For weeks after that the mental pictures of their eyes undressing me as I stood there in the cafeteria, would get my juices flowing and my knees going weak.
It was after that realisation that I started to play with exposing myself. My attitude to sex got more daring and experimental. To date the number of times I have exposed myself more or less obvious cannot be counted. But the two times that come to my mind when I think back to the first occurrences are these two. And thinking about them can still get me excited!
I hope that gives some kind of an answer to the question.
Hugs Jen
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13 comments:
Hi Jennifer
As I see it, there is more than one kind of exhibitionism. You are maybe afraid to be confronted by comments or other kind of acknowledgement from your ‘audience’, so you prefer accidental exposure. Even if you show off your body no one can claim that you are ‘behaving indecent’.
Others like show off their body, and do not mind to be confronted. Of course you cannot be that obvious in your ‘home environment’. You might want to go somewhere, where you are not recognised.
I dare you to go jogging in a tight see-thru t-shirt. People you meet, will see you, they will know that you want them to see you, but you will soon have past them and will never see them again. It will be an exhilarating experience for you. Involve your husband. And come back here at tell us about how it went.
AdrianP
Interesting proposal which unfortunately leaves a number of problems.
First I was quite excited by the idea. Thought it arousing to accept the challenge. But then I started to think. You are probably right in that there are two kinds of exhibitionism. The problem here is that it is the first one which excites me. I need to be able to have an "excuse". I can't get myself to do it so obviously as you suggest. Also, there are several practical difficulties. I guess you haven't tried to jog braless (judging from your name). It is NOT something you would want to do for any length of time. Also, there are no see-through jogging clothes that I have ever seen. Party clothes yes, but then why pretend to be jogging? Why not just pretend you are going home from a party? Taking up the challenge also could not be here. I meet staff and patients all the time when I jog. Finally there is the small problem of Poul. I would have to invent a story or a circumstance which would involve him, probably running behind to check that nobody took advantage of the situation. So far, when I have done something daring in his presence I have done it because he has suggested it. Doing this would be out of character.
And again, I am not even sure that I find it so exhillerating. It is not really my kind of exhibitionism. Give me a challenge along my lines, and I will see what I can do.
Hugs Jen
Dear Jen
When your friend, the actress who has also done porn movies, says that "it doesn't bother her at all" what people imagine when they talk to her, that is not the same as what "Poul" is telling you when he says that he is not reminded of what he has seen of her, naked in real life, fucking on screen, when he is talking to her.
(Is she the "Sofie" whom you mentioned in "Remote Controlled", who had been a nurse in his surgery theatre before taking up acting? I'll call her that until you correct me, OK?)
What "Sofie" is saying is that she doesn't mind being imagined naked, or fucking. What "Poul" is saying is that he is not reminded of seeing her so.
My experience, perhaps my nature, is that I am reminded. When I am with women I have been privilege to be naked with with, or to fuck, I am still aware of what they are like naked, or inside.
Pussies are as distinct as faces are, and as important, a sexually focussed woman is as aware of her pussy as she is of her face, and her lovers are as well.
And if I know that I find a woman's pussy beautiful, that attracts me to her face; if I know that she lubricates easily, that makes me watch her facial expressions with more care and attention; if we have fucked, even years ago, my body remembers hers and somehow pays tribute.
In a similar way, when I read what you write I am aware of what you have written before,
You mentioned in your last story, where you stroked yourself on the beach while a stranger watched, that you have "rather large pussy lips". I would like you to describe them, I'm sure all your readers would. And that would be about as exhibitionistic as the printed page allows!
Ciao, I love how you write, and hope you find the time to do a lot more of it. You seem an honest and sexual and intelligent woman, and I believe you have made many friends this way.
Hugs
Salinger
Dear Sallinger,
What a nice post! Very interesting views, which I must admit I have never considered before. Surely it is not all guys who feel like that? It is not uncommon for me to run into somebody I have had a sexual encounter with before. But when we talk, and they look at my face, do they really see or remember the way my pussy felt and looked at the time? How wet I was or perhaps the way I reacted during orgasm? The exhibitionist part of me is somewhat aroused from this idea, but another side of me is shocked!
"Rather large pussy lips" are perhaps exagerated. I do not have statistical material for saying if they are outside the norm. I have been aware that mine seem to protrude maybe 5 - 10 mm. Even when young and in gym classes I felt a bit different because I didn't see that in other girls. When I am shaved I just have a bit of hair above the pussy, but Poul likes the lips to be clean shaven. That means that they are not hidden by the hairs, and I am conscious of them in changing rooms in health clubs and swimming pools. When excited they swell and become very sensitive to the touch, which can also be a practical problem if you go to a party with no panties, which I like to do. I hope that gives you a picture in your mind as that is all I can prove for now.
Hugs Jen
Dear Jen
Yes, you have given me quite a few lovely pictures in my mind. I think you are a very sexy woman.
Exhibitionism is a game, isn't it? Not my game, but I find that I instinctively feel affinity for women who play it. And I know that I said 'women', which touches on my understanding of how sexual dynamics, and exhibitionism, work.
I happen to be hetero, and however tolerant I am of male homosexuality, I feel no particular affinity for men who exhibit themselves, whether to me or to others. I believe that this is purely because what men do, in this regard, does not capture me, does not excite my interest, does not make me want to get involved.
Isn't that exactly what lies behind the distinction you drew when you told 'AdrianP' on this blog that it is the 'first' kind of exhibitionism that excites you? I know, you know, that there is a moment when pretences are dropped, when the exhibitionist acknowledges that the exhibition is not accidental, a naked moment when she looks into the eyes of her hostage while she cums. You wrote about that in 'Castle Showdown', in 'Hawaiian Weekend', in 'Summer 2001', perhaps in other stories as well; I am not yet an authority on your writings.
And the distinction then? That you are only prepared to acknowledge your awareness of the interplay once you know that the watcher is aroused, and when you yourself are aroused to the point of cumming, when you do embrace the 'second' kind of exhibitionism as well, once you know that your watcher is well and truly involved, aroused, as engrossed in you as you are in yourself?
I do watch, but I don't really show. I don�t believe that what I have to show, physically, is of much interest in a public context, and where it is of interest in an intimate context, then it is so for entirely different reasons.
All that a man can show, and one could call it exhibitionism, is his intent, specifially his intent to fuck or dominate or cherish. And if such intent is not viable, realistic, likely to happen, as it would not easily be in a public context, there is nothing to show.
I know that I'm not addressing the question of why this is so, we can still talk about that one day. But men hunt women, and are not usually hunted by them, the physiological reality of larger and stronger bodies determined that long ago, and that has shaped and infiltrated our modern psychological realities as well.
Hugs
Salinger
PS. I love how you love your pussy.
Dear Salinger,
I am confused about my feelings regarding this exchange of comments. I am very flattered by the nice words, I am impressed with the way you seem to have studied my stories and I am slightly frightened with what you have been able to read into them. I just write, often without thinking much about it. It is strange to have it analysed to an extend where what the reader sees is more than I have been aware of sharing or revealing.
I have never really thought much about the changing phases of the act, going from the accidental to accepting the two way communication. And to be quite honest it has only happened to me two times in real life, even though it often happens in my fantasies. However, I belive you are absolutely right. But I think there is an added little catch. Even though I may accept the two way exchange at a point where I get excited enough I believe it must still be seen as originally accidental. It is a further high for the exhibitionist to feel that you have reached a point of no return and are unable to stop and therefor have to accept the continued display. But that only works if you can pretend to be caught in the act, not if it is obvious that you have planned the whole thing in advance.
How do the men fit into this? Are they just passive instruments in my orchestrated scenes created to satisfy my needs? I guess so. I don't really like them to become involved. As a matter of fact it is one of the things which frightens me about the whole thing. I must be safe, preferably with somebody, or in a car or hotel room or some place with other people nearby - because I don't want the guy to be more than a hostage. But if he plays along, pretending not to notice but positioning himself in a better position to watch, that is great. It is even better when you suspect that perhaps he is aware you are doing it deliberately, and he just plays along. I blame you for having got me into such an analytical mode. I don't usually focus so much on the "why"s, but more on the "how"s of the sex in the stories;-)
And as far as same sex goes, I feel so embarrassed if a girl sees me! That does NOT fit my script in any way.
As to men exhibiting themselves, I agree fully with you. I guess there may be men who will be disgusted with a girl exposing herself, even if he believes it to be accidental. But I honestly think that most guys will be pleased, aroused and will stay to watch. However if a guy exposes himself, I can't see many girls staying to watch. Probably because they suspect that it is done on purpose. I guess it is difficult for a guy to do it "accidentally". But when I was quite young I played with a girlfriend in the trees outside her house where I was able to watch her big brother masturbate in his room. My girlfriend was just as fascinated as I was, and the image has never left me. I still try to encourage guys to masturbate for me, but most feel so guilty about the act that they can't do it.
Seeing you are interested in and apparently quite good at analysing the situations, what do you read into a situation like this. I have a sleeveless dress with rather large openings for the arms. When I lean forward the dress falls away and bares the breasts if you watch from the side. I once sat at a bar (at a private party) when a guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said that he just thought it was fair to let me know that I was rather exposed as I sat like that. I was actually aware of it, but pretended to be shocked and pulled the dress close to the body in front. However, he said that was not his intention, he quite enjoyed the view and wished I hadn't done that. I then let go of the dress again and waited for my drink before I left the bar, leaving him the opportunity to
watch the exposed breast all that time. I found that extremely arousing. Even though it was meant to be accidental, it became an obviously accepted situation by both parties, but it wasn't as you pointed out in the other case, because I was so aroused that I didn't or couldn't care.
Finally to the really worrying part. How do you know I love my pussy? I thought I described it fairly neutrally. The problem is that once I think about it, you are probably right. I just find it amazing that you can read that into what I write.
Thank you for a very interesting and thought provoking exchange of comments.
Hugs Jen
Dear Jen
Please make clearer, was it the image of the boy masturbating, or of his sister being fascinated by it, that has never left you?
Many hugs
Salinger
Wow! I was just gone for a minute!
Sallinger is spot on! About men too. We are here to hunt. When we see you expose yourself, we assess the possibilities of a ‘kill’. Is she in heat – do I have a chance? You wake up that if you dress sexy and even more so if you expose yourself. It doesn’t matter if you brought your husband and I brought my wife. The thinking goes along those lines. So be aware that that is was you stir up. It may never materialise because of the situation, but we go into ‘make it happen’ mode. And restrain ourselves most of the time!
And about the ‘I know that you know that I know’ game: I don’t believe that any women are unaware of the revealing features of their clothing, with the possible exception of how see-thru it is with special lightning (you wrote about that ones I think). Women in white trouser often show a clearly visible g-string triangle above their bum either to see thru the trouser fabric or clear above the waistline. Do they know? Otherwise we know that you know.
On the other hand we like to play that game also. The excitement of seeing something we are not supposed to see can make us forget your possible motives and just enjoy. And the fully exposed breast is not necessarily more exciting than a quick glimpse. We like to work a little to achieve something, if that means a special treat that nobody else will get. So we will manoeuvre into the right position, and wait for her to move a bit, giving a peep at a nipple or the beginning of her legs.
And then if we are found out, we can start this ‘Maybe I know that you know’ game. If she is bolt she will sent an ‘I know you are looking and if you are patient I might show more’ look/smile. If she is not so bolt, she will sent you an empty kind of look indicating that she know you are there but has know idea about what you are seeing. She do know, that is part of the game, but at long at it is not 100% clear, she is ‘safe’. I suppose this is how your are, but your would like a little more boldness if it was safe?
And about seeing women again after exposure or sex. We ALWAYS picture attractive women naked! If we have see them (partly) naked before that helps a lot. So we do not forget something like that. Consequently your husband is lying. If he has seen your friend in her porn movies, that is what his I thinking about every time he sees her. And if he has not seen it (I don’t believe it), then even more so. Not that he can’t put it behind him and focus on the job at hand, but when he becomes idle again …
And as for a dare along your desires. I love the possibilities of the wrap dress. It gives you lots of opportunities to flash both top and bottom; you can easily adjust the exposure and it will nearly always appear to be accidental. So go parade yourself on the streets of Copenhagen (I remember a café area near a canal?) braless and bottomless in a wrap dress that will expose your leg high up and your breasts if you lean forward. Sit outside the cafés and let the tables obstruct the view partly. Go up and down stairs to let the knees part the skirt even more. Take escalators with glass on the sides or do you have those glass lifts that sit on the outside of buildings?
One last thing: Try to come clean with Poul about this. He enjoys it and so do you, but you could have a lot more fun together if he knew you like his challenges. Next time he comes forward with an idea, be ready to go along, actively discussing details of where, when and how much. Or spark it of by telling him about how ‘X was looking up/down my dress last night’. That should trigger his imagination.
Best of luck. Teel us of any progress!
AdrianP
PS: Will we ever see you in that dress you had tailored?
Reply to Salinger:
The picture of the boy!!! Sorry for the confusion. That is why I need my editor for stories.
Hugs Jen
Reply to AdrianP:
OK, after having read your post I had a talk with Poul. I managed to touch the subject without it seeming too odd, and he had to admit that it is not that he doesn't have pictures in his mind of Sofie naked or in some sex scene from time to time, but he still insists that they don't pop up during casual conversation.
I still claim that it would be a very strange situation if I knew that during a conversation with an old friend he saw me naked during the whole conversation. I really can't belive that.
However, I fully belive that that is what you see when talking to an old girlfriend. I just hope that is not case with all males.
As to challenges, I am much more inclined to accept the new one. I also enjoy the wrap around dresses. They easily fall open at the front and exposes at least one breast, especially if you loosen the inside strap. I don't know if you are aware of the mechanichs of a wrap around dress, but the first fold, which goes on the inside is usually fastened with a string and a bowtie, the outer one with another larger bowtie on the outside. Without the inside one the first flap would move towards the middle or opposite side, which under normal cirsumstances would not be desireable. However, if you leave the inside one still fastened but much looser than intended, you can deside how open the front should be and how much leg will show. I have played with that before and it is fun!
We have recently had our wedding aniversay, and only an excessively bad summer has prevented us from our usual outing experimenting with limits of exposure. We will go out again as soon as we get just one decent evening, and I will have no problem meeting your challenge at that time. It may not be the middle of Copenhagen, but we will try to find some populated area. I will get back as soon as I have anything to report.
And I don't think you will get to see a picture of the dress I had made. I know I have promised a report on wearing it. That is the problem, trying to set up a specific situation. You plan and plan, and then nothing happens. At other times they happen with no planning at all, and those are usually the best. I really have very little to write about, except if something triggers my imagination and I can use it for a story or fantasy. In the real world it was a disappointment.
Hugs Jen
Dear Jen
Why so many exclamation marks?
(28 July, 2007 14:14)
Hmmm....
Because I thought it was obvious.
But with a somewhat twisted mind I can see that perhaps the thought of my friend being excited from seeing her brother masturbate could indicate another twist to the story, but that wasn't my intention.
Hugs Jen
Does anyone else out there think that it takes a "twisted mind" to believe that Jen was more influenced by seeing the sister's excitement than she was by herself seeing the boy masturbate?
And isn't Jen is an exhibitionist now, far more than she is a voyeur?
Hugs to Jen
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